Chart Music #54: May 25th 1978 – Nineteen Seventy Gibb

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: would you go to see Panties at Canning Town Bridge House?

Unbelievably, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, this appears to be only the second time we’ve chanced across 1978 – which is a shameful way for a podcast about Top Of The Pops to act, because this year is rammed with cultural behemoths dominating the landscape, with the musk of all the things that Chart Music cherishes hanging thick in the air. We’re right on on the perineum ‘twixt Saturday Night Fever and Grease, Tony Blackburn has just slid into his Tony Manero outfit, and your panel are a) becoming massively disillusioned by school dinners, b) fancying Carol Chell, and c) drawing a picture of Hitler in a Mexico strip and getting ready to ice down his groin with some peas a week from now.

Musicwise, practically everything good – and bad – about ’78 is here. The Real Thing help Legs & Co recreate one of the scenes in The Stud that didn’t involve grubby pre-Eighventies Percy Filth. Jimmy Pursey says hello to Mum again. Yvonne Elliman and Tavares  keep the SNF end up. Legs & Co – on their second shift – look as if they’ve been caught short or have had a serious wardrobe malfunction. Debbie Harry’s face splits like a spaceship door. Heatwave take jumper technology to the next level. ITV Quisling Cilla has a go at Disco. James Galway makes his first appearance since being run over by a motorbike in Switzerland. Ian Dury becomes the nation’s favourite Hard Bastard Uncle. The Scotland World Cup Squad have to sing around a disembodied cardboard cut-out of Rod Stewart. And the UK’s seventh biggest-selling single ever is Number One.

Team ATVLand – Taylor Parkes and Neil Kulkarni – help Al Needham fill out the wallchart of late May 1978, veering off on such tangents as the thought of Dave Bartram of Showaddywaddy giving Joan Collins one in a lift, a forensic examination of the 1978 Eurovision Song Contest, urban myths about Melody Maker editors being whipped by chains, an inter-Journo fight over who liked Dexys Midnight Runners more, and – finally – the recasting of Prisoner: Cell Block H that the Pop-Crazed Youngsters have been crying out for. OVER SIX HOURS, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, and rest assured that a considerable amount of that involves both Effing and Geoffing…

Part 1: Preamble

Part 2: Tony Blackburn, Yvonne Elliman, The Real Thing, Blondie, Heatwave

Part 3: Izhar Cohen & AlphaBeta, James Galway, Thin Lizzy, Tavares, Black Sabbath

Part 4: John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John, Ian Dury & The Blockheads, Cilla Black, Sham 69, Boney M, Rod Stewart & the Scotland World Cup Squad

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Ram Some Money Down Our G-String

Chart Music #53: May 12 1988 – Boing! Boing! Boing!

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: if the first girl that Prince met on Alphabet St happened to be Blunder Woman, would he still jerk his body like a horny pony would?

This episode – THE LONGEST EVER, Pop-Crazed Youngsters – finally sees us slipping the surly bonds of this rubbish century to touch the smiley face of 1988. We’re on the very cusp of the Second Summer of Love, but your panel are a) leafing through Athena posters and avoiding Neighbours, b) Gothed up to buggery and living with elderly Greek widows, and c) sifting through their own vomit in the Market Square. And Top Of The Pops is reacting to the Acid House and Hip-Hop explosion by, well, playing the shittiest examples of it they could find, hosted by two people going in opposite directions. Simon Mayo: hungrily eyeing the alpha-male position of Radio One. Mike Read: he grows old, he grows old, he shall wear the sleeves of his leather jacket rolled.

Musicwise, it’s a Pic ‘N’ Mix of the late Eighties – The Lateies, if you will – speckled with not one, not two, but three joke dance records. Harry Enfield and Star Turn On 45 Pints remind us what a progressive and hardcore act Jive Bunny was. Bill Shankly assumes the Malcolm X role. Derek B gets paid in pounds, not dollars. Belinda Carlisle slinks about on a beach. Ringo Ringo Ringo pass round the hat for Esther Rantzen. The Asda advert is Number One. And Prince and Prefab Sprout rush in to save the day.   

Sarah Bee and Simon ‘Sorry, Girls – He’s Engaged’ Price don their Sun Bizarre Acid House t-shirts and dance around the abandoned warehouse of 1988, veering off on such tangents as knowing people off Withnail and I, Tony Blackburn’s face on a stick, how to cross our palm with Bummerdog, and Tony of Sneinton’s secret longings, painted on a living room wall in 1968. GET ON SOME SWEARING, matey!

Part 1: Preamble
Part 2: Mike Read, Simon Mayo, Harry Enfield, Prince, The Adventures
Part 3: Narada, Liverpool FC, Belinda Carlisle, Derek B, Prefab Sprout
Part 4: Star Turn On 45 Pints, Wet Wet Wet, Fairground Attraction, Kylie Minogue


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Chart Music #52: February 14th 1985 – British People React To REO Speedwagon

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: if The Smiths were still making singles today, would they have a still from Sex Lives Of The Potato Men on the cover?

The latest episode – another five hour-plus plunge into the very depths of your favourite Pop TV show – lands us on the very perineum ‘twixt Band Aid and Live Aid, in a shameful era when even the Weetabix are pretending to be American street youths, and on the very cusp of the achingly slow decline of The Pops. The majority of the Zoo Wankers have been culled, the flags and balloons are being reined in, and even though it’s Valentine’s Day, the roiling sexual chemistry between Simon Bates and Janice Long has been dialled right down. Thank God.

Musicwise, oof: Top Of The Pops throw the kitchen sink of Pop at us, with no less than 21 acts getting a shine, resulting in 1985 looking better than it has any right to be. This Year’s Most Lovable Bisexual puts a wrecking ball plastered with mirrors through the wall of the charts while he threatens legal action against his label for being mingebags. The Commodores don a black vinyl poppy for their fallen comrades. Bill Sharpe and Gary Numan look at a fax machine. The entire show is derailed when Jonathan King forces us to look at some chlorinated American stodge, but put firmly back on track when Jaz Coleman stares at us. Morrissey machine-guns the audience. Kool and the Gang channel the spirit of Girlyman. And there’s a load of mid-Eighties rammel.

Taylor Parkes and Neil Kulkarni wrap their Dads’ ties around their heads and join fellow Street Punk Al Needham for a rampage through the streets of 1985, veering off on such tangents as rubbish Americans not understanding Ribena, getting started on for laughing at the death of Apollo Creed, why standing on a boardroom table for a publicity shot isn’t a good idea, why sneering at girls singing a love song directly at their music teacher is an even worse idea, and a revisit to the Perils of Priapic Price. You know there’s gonna be swearing.

Part 1: Preamble

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Part 2: Dead Or Alive, The Commodores, The Colourfield

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Part 3: REO Speedwagon, David Lee Roth, Hall and Oates, George Michael, Killing Joke

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Part 4: Sharpe & Numan, Kool and the Gang, Don Henley, The Smiths, Barbara Dickson & Elaine Paige, Eugene Wilde

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Chart Music #51: March 20th 1975 – Guys ‘N’ Dolls Get Ready To Bomb Iraq

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: a party held by the Osmonds, or a party held by the Rollers?

The LONGEST EVER EPISODE OF CHART MUSIC finds your host and his chums still on lockdown but DILL DANDING, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, which gives us the opportunity to pick out an episode from the Dark Ages of the mid-Seventies and properly wang on about it. The Saxons are at their flappiest, the collars are condor, Tony Blackburn has been uncrated and set free, and all is as well with the world as it could be in 1975. If you ignore the fact that three of the acts involved would go on to kill later this year.

Musicwise, it’s the usual Seventies lucky bag, tainted with the musk of deceit and treachery: Kenny sport the kind of trousers Our Simon saw Rick Witter trying on at Portobello Market. There are obligatory appearances by Cliff and Lulu. Wigan’s Ovation have a massive wazz on the burning torch of Northern Soul. Guys ‘N’ Dolls do a biscuit advert, and Mike Reid makes a Northern boy cry, which is Bad Skit.

But there’s also Britfunk in the form of the Average White Band and, er, The Goodies, Pans People having a proper flounce to Barry White, and a Whatnautless Moments – whipped on by the Top Of The Pops Orchestra – seize the opportunity to tell us how much they like girls. And the Bay City Rollers rip down the goalposts of the #1 spot, while the Osmonds forlornly look out of their window wondering while no-one has showed up to their do.

David Stubbs and Taylor Parkes – the Humphries of Pop journalism – join Al Needham and dip their elongated critical straws deep into the milk bottle of 1975, pausing to veer off on such tangents as the glory of radiograms, what it would be like to get caned and watch porn with Tony Blackburn, our magazine plans which never came to fruition, a lament for Timbo, the importance of nipples and a big argument over a Kung Fu vest and pants set. Swearing? Loads of it.

Part 1: Preamble

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Part 2: Kenny, Guys ‘N’ Dolls, The Goodies

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Part 3: The Tymes, Barry White, Average White Band, Cliff Richard, Wigan’s Ovation, Lulu

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Part 4: The Moments & Whatnauts, Mike Reid, Bay City Rollers, The Osmonds

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Here Comes Quizm #5

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It’s BACK! The greatest music quiz in the world, hand-crafted by quizular artisans in Nottingham, The Cradle Of Pop, with assistance off their Nana. 42 questions! 7 rounds! Swearing! Download what you need to, grab a pen, pick out a suitably disgusting team name, and spend some time in the pub of your mind, Pop-Crazed Youngsters…

HERE IS THE ANSWER SHEET

HERE IS ROUND ONE – THE PICTURE ROUND

AND HERE IS THE DOWNLOAD LINK

 

Chart Music #50: March 21st 1996 – The Movement That Wouldn’t Feel The Benefit

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The latest episode of the podcast which asks the question: What was David Stubbs doing while the Rainforest was falling?

It’s our half-century. Pop-Crazed Youngsters, but we’re not making a fuss about it, bar the raising of the bat and a nod to the stands before returning to the job of whacking at a random episode of Top Of The Pops. And oh dear: this particular slice of Thursday evenings past comes at us during the even more devastating Second Wave of Britpop, with Steve Lamacq and Jo Whiley playing the roles of Peelie and Janice.

Musicwise, we’re fully into the Ric Blaxill era, so expect a morbid carousel of Proper Music played on Proper Instruments, with a smattering of past-it Eighties sorts thrown in, and all mixed together with an offensive distain for the charts. Rick Witter may or may not be wearing a Tena underneath his Martin Fry suit. Lionel Richie’s head is lowered into a Desperate Dan beard. Prince Naseem Hamed pitches up with Kaliphz to remind us that dance music was somehow still going in the mid-Nineties. Menswear bring along a string section. Oh God, it’s Madonna again. Celine Dion wafts about a circus putting in no graft whatsoever. Take That offer up the most half-arsed swan song in musical history, and – finally – Oasis enter the Chart Music arena.

Simon Price and Neil Kulkarni join Al Needham for a bit of Gay Exchange-advert-dancing upon the ashes of ’96, veering off on such tangents as going into the off-licence in Napoleonic headjoy, stripping in front of someone off Coronation Street, being a Lion Bell-End, bum-rushing the Camden KFC, being made by a Manic Street Preacher to dance to the Ramadan No.1 of 1974, the Horseshoe Of Shame, and a rate and quality of swearing that times like this demand.

Part 1: Preamble
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Part 2: Shed Seven, Oasis
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Part 3: Madonna, Menswear, Lionel Richie, Celine Dion
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Part 4: Garbage, Kaliphz feat. Prince Naseem, Take That, TOTP2
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Here Comes Quizm #4

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It’s a bit late, but it’s still the greatest music quiz in the world that’s been made in Nottingham by someone who usually does a podcast about old episodes of Top Of The Pops. It’s the usual bill of fare, Pop-Crazed Youngsters: 42 questions, 7 rounds, an old woman on an organ, and some shouting and swearing. Tuck in, why don’t you?

HERE IS THE ANSWER SHEET

HERE IS ROUND NUMBER ONE – THE PICTURE ROUND

AND HERE IS THE DOWNLOAD LINK

We’re editing Chart Music #50 now, so there may be another delay on the next quiz, but you never know…

Here Comes Quizm #3

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Oh yes – the music quiz that puts the TRAINERS to the ANUS is BACK. You know the drill: 42 questions, seven rounds, and an elderly woman throwing down on a Bontempi organ, put together and fired out by the host of the world’s greatest podcast about old episodes of Top Of The Pops. TUCK IN, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS!

HERE IS THE ANSWER SHEET

HERE IS ROUND NUMBER ONE – THE PICTURE ROUND

AND HERE IS THE DOWNLOAD LINK

Here Comes Quizm #2

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Oh yes; back again, and now rolling every week until all this bollocks is sorted out, comes the pub quiz that doesn’t need a pub. It’s the same format as before, Pop-Crazed Youngsters: an hour-long, seven-round, 42-questioned music quiz that you can cheat at if you like, as there aren’t any prizes. All we ask is that you do not spoiler any of the answers in the comments section, while you’re bragging about points you actually got. Have at it!

HERE IS THE ANSWER SHEET

AND HERE IS ROUND ONE – THE PICTURE ROUND

MP3 DOWNLOAD LINK

And don’t forget: if you’re throwing money at us on Patreon, you get this three days earlier…

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BONUS: Here Comes Quizm – the Chart Music Pub Quiz

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When Al isn’t doing Chart Music – the world’s greatest podcast about old episodes of Top Of The Pops – he’s in assorted Nottingham pubs barking questions at folk. He can’t do that at the moment, so he’s taking it out on the Pop-Crazed Youngsters in an hour-long, seven-round, 42-questioned music quiz that you can cheat at if you like, as there aren’t any prizes. First thing you need to do is download the answer sheet and pic round…

HERE IS THE ANSWER SHEET

AND HERE IS ROUND ONE – THE PICTURE ROUND

MP3 DOWNLOAD LINK

This is going to be a weekly event while all this lockdown mither is going on, and the lovely people who throw money at us on Patreon will be getting it before everyone else.

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